How to Find Courage to Have a Difficult Conversation

I never thought that saying, “I am sorry,” would paralyze me so much. I usually pride myself for recognizing my faults and admitting mistakes to others.

Somehow this time these three simple words weren’t simple at all.

Having a fight with my friend was disheartening. What was even more upsetting is an unspoken tension between us. We pretend to behave as though nothing happened. But it made things worse.

We became distant.

We both said things that were unkind. We both let our emotions take the best out of us. And it made total sense to just get together, say “I am sorry,” clear up the air and get this stupid tension out of the way.

But even thinking about the conversation made everything inside of me numb.

Why was I so scared to start a conversation with my friend? Why was it easier to avoid it than get things straightened up?

I feel like the fear of a difficult conversation is a human trait. We are quite interesting in that regard. Even though we know it’s something we should do, we would avoid it at any cost.

But it’s not the conversation we are really avoiding. It’s the pain it can bring.

The pain of feeling rejected or being accused, the pain of not being liked or chosen, the pain of false expectations or unmet needs.

To start a conversation about the relationship, to resolve a conflict with a friend, to tell your spouse how sexually frustrated you are. What makes all these conversations difficult is that emotions run high, the other person might have different wants and needs, and the outcomes can be hurtful.

“Sorry, I am not looking for anything serious right now,” “You broke my trust as a friend,” “I just don’t feel attracted to you anymore.”

Even a thought of hearing these responses makes us cringe inside. Let alone to start a conversation.

The possibility of getting hurt while we are vulnerable and exposing our feelings is what makes a conversation difficult to have.

Even if we are the one who delivers a hurtful message, we still run away from it. We say we don’t want to hurt other persons’ feelings. But what we really try to avoid is feeling guilty for hurting others. Hence, we avoid discomfort and pain.

The uncertainty of what response we will get is dreadful and terrifying. Ironically, not knowing provides more comfort.

But we can’t run away from discomfort. It will always catch up with us. So instead of being caught off guard, unprepared and unintentional, it’s better to start a conversation deliberately and purposefully.

Over the last two years, I had a good share of difficult conversations.

Starting as someone who would react with the flight-and-fight response and run away from a person and situation as fast as I could, to someone who initiates the conversations, I got some bruises and scars along the way. But I’ve also learned some lessons.

I would like to share with you what the courage of having difficult conversations have taught me. I hope it will inspire you to be brave too.

Facing a difficult conversation is a mature way of dealing with discomfort.

As we were kids, we threw a tantrum when we didn’t want to do something. We got older, but we still throw tantrums sometimes. We do it when we run away from uncomfortable conversations.

But the part of being mature comes with the responsibility to face discomfort and painful situations. Unlike children, we have an emotional capacity to do it.

The more you face difficult conversations the easier it gets.

Initiating a conversation that might hurt yours or someone else’s feelings is scary and unnerving. But only the first few times.

As the muscle trained in the gym, our courage muscle gets stronger each time you face one. While feelings and emotions might still run high, over time we get better at managing the conversation and our responses and reactions.

Difficult conversations teach you how to lean into discomfort.

Discomfort can be a great teacher. If we choose it to be. First of all, it teaches us what it is that we are so afraid of. It’s good to ask, “Why the outcome I am afraid of is so painful for me? What would that outcome mean to me?”

Secondly, discomfort helps us to grow. Because we only get on the next level, when we get out of our comfort zone and face our fears.

By initiating a conversation, you choose clarity over assumptions.

Uncertainty gets us to build our own stories in the head. Most of them build on assumptions and beliefs that don’t play in anyone’s favor.

When we start a conversation with the intention to gain clarity and hear what the other person has to say. Regardless of the result, we walk away with a better understanding of each party’s perspective.

It’s kinder to tell the person how you feel rather than avoid it.

When we say we try to protect other person’s feeling by not telling the truth, we are protecting ourselves from feeling guilty. And we are doing them a disservice. It’s kinder telling the truth than leaving another person to build false assumptions and made up stories.

While starting a difficult conversation takes courage, here are some tips that help you to be more prepared.

Set an intention.

Before initiating a conversation, remind yourself for what purpose you are starting one. Is it to clarify, to share how you feel, to resolve a conflict, to inform about your decision?

Knowing for what reason you want to have a conversation even if the outcome might be painful can be a good motivator to initiate one.

Another great question to ask is what would cost you not to have this conversation?

Picture the worst-case scenario.

What is it that really scares you about having this conversation? Why is it so dreadful?

I think most of us fear the answer or the outcome because we feel it will define us or be a reflection of who we are.

If a guy rejects me, it means something is wrong with me. If my friend is mad at me, it means I am a bad friend. If my partner doesn’t want me anymore, it means I am unattractive.

Separating the outcome of the conversation from who we are can help to reduce the anxiety and anticipated pain.

Write down what you want to say.

Choosing the right words when emotions are boiling inside can be hard. That’s why it’s better to be prepared.

Write down what you want to say when you don’t feel a pressure of piercing eyes. It will help you to be ready to express exactly what you want to say and not regret forgetting to mention something important. Try to do it ahead of the time and in a quiet setting.

Don’t have any expectations.

The major source of pain is the expectations we tie to relationships, conversations, and situations. What really hurt us is that the reality doesn’t match the expectation.

Remove any expectations going into a difficult conversation, and surrender to what the situation is. Instead, focus on listening in order to understand where the other person comes from.

Understanding other person’s perspective can help you to get the best outcome of the conversation.

After all, I did initiate the conversation with my friend. I apologized for my words and said that our relationships were important to me. I was afraid to hear that I suck as a friend and it’s hard to trust me anymore.

I didn’t hear that. But my friend did share her frustration and annoyance. We end up having an honest conversation, the one we didn’t have in a long time.

Even though it wasn’t an easy conversation, I felt like honesty, vulnerability and courage made our relationship stronger.