How to Feel Confident?
Imagine you are feeling at ease. Your shoulders are down, your jaw is relaxed. You know exactly what you are doing. In fact you are killing it, and you love every single minute of it.
All the moments of self-doubt and uncertainty are behind you. From now on this is how you are going to feel. Every. Single. Time.
Wouldn’t it be great to be in that desired state of confidence all the time?
I know I would love that. I used to be on a hunt for the answers that would magically get me to that state. Ideally overnight.
But I had to learn the harsh truth — if I feel confident all the time, it’s either I am full of myself or I stopped growing.
Now, it doesn’t mean that you don’t get to enjoy some moments of confidence here and there. Also you can feel fairly confident about your abilities to do a certain job after years of experience, practice and repetition.
But when we are looking for the answer to a question “how to feel confident?”, most likely we are not there yet and need to endure a weird place in between.
That’s when the right mindset is more important than ever.
1. EMBRACE “VALLEY OF DISAPPOINTMENT”
First of all, all of us started at square one in at least one thing we now do exceptionally well. Nobody was pulled out of the womb and ran a marathon the next day. First you crawl. Then you take the first steps. Then you start walking. Eventually many years later you can run a marathon.
I don’t think I saw the videos on YouTube when a baby makes first steps, parents are screaming “You should be more confident!” They think those wobbly steps are the most precious thing they’ve ever seen.
It’s impossible to feel confident at the initial stage. Because there is nothing to feel confident about. You haven’t built your expert muscle yet. And that requires time, practice, and experience.
James Clear in his book “Atomic Habits” called this stage “Valley of Disappointment”. Before you feel like you know what you are doing, you need to struggle with lots of disappointment when you don’t.
He pointed out that the biggest misconception people have about progress is to think it’s linear. You do one thing today, you do it again tomorrow, boom… now you are an expert.
In reality you won’t see the results or progress for some time. You won’t feel confident for some time. Until one day all the cumulative work will show up as a significant improvement.
Too often people give up before they get out of the “Valley of Disappointment” stage and into the place where all their hard work pays off. Too often because they doubt themselves.
2. LEAN ON SELF-TRUST
That’s why it’s important to learn how to trust yourself.
To set yourself up for success it’s important to think of confidence not as the state you arrive at, but a process you engage with.
If you are looking for a life of self-growth then you would be constantly challenged with new skills, abilities and knowledge. You will be at square one a lot.
Instead of waiting to feel confident, lean on self-trust. It’s important to trust yourself that you will be up for a challenge, trying and experimenting until you figure it out.
Think about someone you trust. Did they gain your trust because they never let you down?
The same works in the relationship with yourself. To gain your own trust, it’s important how you show up for yourself when you make a mistake, overlook a crucial detail, or drop the ball.
If you have your own back, it will be easier to go through “Valley of Disappointment” and not give up because you can’t take your own self-criticism and judgment.
Be a place of support for yourself rather than shame. That’s what leads to greater confidence in the long run.
3. TAKE ACTION
The common belief is that in order for you to take the next step, you need to feel confident first. But in reality the reverse is true.
You need to take the next step. Then the next step. Maybe many more steps. Until you have enough experience that you can feel like you know what you are doing.
Patiently waiting till you magically arrive to the arbitrary state of confidence won’t help. Taking action will. Even when you are afraid, uncertain or unclear.
If you lean on self-trust and take the next step, you won’t fail, only gain invaluable experience you can learn from. Because now you are rooting for yourself, not against yourself.
However, if you don’t really manage the mindset of self-trust and self-compassion, taking the next step would be incredibly hard. Your insecurities will get in the way. You might even self-sabotage and block your own success and progress.
If you find yourself in this position, I highly recommend working with a coach to improve your mindset and gain better confidence.
4. HIRE A COACH
I am a life coach and this advice might sound like I am selling my own services. The truth is I don’t care which coach you work with as long as you are getting the help you need to get to a place you want to be.
The reason I do what I do is because I see how many people’s lives and confidence improve when they are not afraid to get help.
When it comes to confidence and mindset, a life coach can be a person who takes your hand (metaphorically speaking) and guides you to remove the blocks in your mind and take the imperfect next steps. Over time you will build enough skills to do it yourself.
You know when the CEO of a big company quits, a company will put a temporary person to fill this role. Let your coach be that person for you — someone who supports you, encourages and challenges you to grow and fill the bigger shoes in your own life.
As in a relationship with yourself, trust is very important in a relationship with your coach. You have to be transparent and honest if you want to get results. We only do that with people we trust. The great benefit is then the relationship with your coach becomes a model for your relationship with yourself.
Don’t be afraid to go on a coach shopping spree and talk to a few before you commit. Many coaches, me included, offer a free discovery call as a great way to feel if it’s the right fit.
So next time a disempowering feeling dawns on you that you need more confidence, think about if you are still in “Valley of Disappointment”, then lean in on self-trust and take action. If anything, don’t be afraid to ask for help and hire a coach.
